The only time I miss living alone is when my roommate has her boyfriend over. He doesn’t really talk much, and when it’s just the two of us, he spends most of the time in her room, waiting for her to get back from work. Then she vanishes into her room for most of the day. We do eat supper occasionally together, and for a while, he was more talkative. Be he has returned to his quiet habits, and she and I dominate the conversation—as he clings to her, her silent twin.
Coupling. Not quite sure I understand it.
I am trying to imagine, what it would be like if the roles were reversed and I suddenly brought someone back to the apartment. My active imagination can’t picture it. Maybe because I’m afraid, and I am purposely pushing away from all temptation. When I bought my bed, I chose a single. A queen feels too big for my small body. It also makes it easier to say no to anyone who wants to stay the night.
That has not always worked. One guy has stayed the night here before; it was during the summer when my roommate had moved home until school started. I have a small bed, I said. I’ve slept in worse places, he said.
He turned out the light and was determined to stay. Well, I was at a loss for words. In an absence of my no, he stayed. For a long time afterward, my blankets smelled like his body spray. I would come home from a late night working at a bar downtown and smell the spicy scent and feel hungry and greedy in a way that I can’t properly describe.
My bed felt cold, despite the hot night. I turned over and laid on my side—sad and tired. Wanting something that I didn’t quite understand. Like the scent that lingered on my skin as I covered myself with the blanket, feelings for him wafted over me…but just as surely disappeared into the summer night.
No part of me wants to offend or disturb, but it always happens. I have never wanted to harm the world. People have always come to see that. Someday, they will wake up and be surprised by the person who stands beside them. They make think of me as an equal and even welcome me as a friend.
If 2013 taught me anything, it was move on. It does no good to dwell in the past and forget the present.